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I am now and I was then

 I feel like I don't like my days. These recent days. It's like I was trapped by my bad habits, by my comfort zone. I used to have big dreams. Not rational ones, maybe. Then now in 24 years old I feel lost, don't have hope, don't know where I am going to. All I have is doubt surrounding myself, think I am not capable enough. And I can't resist all those feeling. And I just am too afraid at everything. To take a step, to choice, to believe in myself because it's feel like I know such a believe is like a lie for myself to myself that I pretty know that I'm not going to make it.

I lie my days and happiness and the booster or myself at others. I depend it on them. I just quite good at the life theory and I am really suck at the practice.

My big dreams or just a single dream, no one comes true at this moment. All I have is fail, fail, and I don't want to try to pursue it. Until at this year, I've realized and actually often realized that I've wasted all my time.

I don't really know where I have to start, and with which way I can defeat my fears. All I've said to myself before, all the writings I have written is like major bullshits. It has been August the next year from my graduation year. It would be not that bad then I am not still worked. But not for now. Where I have put my time all along? I had wasted it. That's true. I keep constantly tell a bullshit to myself. 

I'm not going anywhere until now. 

I often think I am dumb but actually I am not that much, right?

How can I really manage myself, my time, my life? How I can defeat my fear, to conquer it?

I would say yeah I regret, regret at the time when I was in college. I was hating my college so much than I thought I was not going to develop myself there and keeping that mindset and not try to thinking it again, clearly then trying to broke that mindset.

I am not the consistent one. I am often get baffled. I doubt myself. I hate myself right now but not trying to fix it and endure the hurt parts. I often see something as a difficult thing to do, even though is not that always so. I don't know my limits, I don't know what I want. I don't know about myself. All I know is I am afraid of my tremor hands get show off. I am really afraid of that, I am afraid to get swapped, I am afraid to get vaccinated. Oh how poor I am.

And maybe all my dreams then was just imaginations and daydreaming. A kind of toxic positivity. Huh. I've dreamed all the realistic ones so now I just care about the realistic ones and don't have guts to dreams. But maybe the realistic ones still not that  realistic?

I need someone to listen to me but I am too ashamed to show my feelings. Would anyone really understand and care about my feelings?

I just want to say that I am still thin as I was then. And I am still not glowing up. And never have a boyfriend. Huh.

Probably it could help you I am not changed much. Still the same person as I was with age added up. 


Sun, Augustus 01 2021

5:50 PM

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